Addressing a Few Stereotypes

For some time now, I've wanted to write a few thoughts about women's roles in the LDS Church, being a Mormon woman, growing up Mormon in Utah, and the stereotypes that surround all of these things.

Let's start with the last: Many people believe that Utah Mormons are the most sheltered people in the world. Yes, there are people who live in communities surrounded by actively participating and religious Mormons. These places exist in some towns or neighborhoods in Utah. My hometown was not one of those places. I have m any friends who grew up in different cities or small towns throughout Utah. Most of them had good friends who were LDS; even those who grew up faithful had  traumatic experiences with friends or family. Some have parents or siblings with mental illness. Financial struggles, marital hardships, abuse, abandonment by a parent, or drug addiction within the family are realities in the lives of Utah Mormons. These people are not ignorant. They are diverse.

In seventh grade I became friends with a girl who was outgoing, fun, thoughtful, and sexually active. This was 1990. She wasn't the only person at my junior high who was having sex, either. I didn't think a lot about it at the time since most of us feel rather mature at age twelve. But I look at my nine-year-old daughter now and think, I was a baby. I was a baby who didn't understand any of the implications of sexuality, even though I knew how sex worked, I understood moral and health consequences of sex, and I even understood that people like the feeling of sex. What I didn't realize--until much later--is that sex matters. That a twelve-year-old who has sex is likely to suffer from all kinds of mental and emotional damage. I didn't put together that the older guy (was he fifteen or sixteen?) who was having sex with my friend was taking advantage of her inexperience.

I was fourteen the first time my friend's brother offered me a joint. Fortunately, I had already decided that I wasn't supposed to use drugs; it wasn't part of my destiny, so to speak. Throughout my teenage years I was surrounded by drugs and alcohol: friends were trippin' on acid while I fell asleep in the other room, joints were lit and passed while the small cluster of the sobers chilled in the backyard, alcohol was served while I went on walks with other people. This was in the heart of Utah Valley. Many of my friends who grew up outside of Utah were excused from drugs and alcohol because they were Mormon. People never even asked. My greatest fear in raising children in Utah is that being Mormon isn't enough. Most of the kids who were getting high had grown up LDS. I had conviction that drugs weren't my thing, and I hope and pray for the same conviction in my own children.

I think of my twleve-year-old niece who bore her testimony a couple of months ago. She had never stood before the congregation before or borne her testimony aloud, but she gave such a powerful, miraculous testimony. She had gone to church that morning with a good friend of hers who attends a non-denominational Christian church. Apparently, her friend has pressured her to "quit being Mormon" and go to her church. This is a church where people come in jeans and they play guitars and drums during worship. Frankly, this is an atmosphere most twelve-year-olds would consider cool. But my niece said, "I am not going to give up my beliefs. I am going to stay Mormon." She has a genuine testimony amidst the pressure. I hope my own children can say the same thing.

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Misconceptions about Mormon women aren't new. From the earliest establishment of the LDS Church, slanderers have claimed Mormon women are repressed, oppressed, abused, and ignorant. I am not going to make any blanket statements about what or who Mormon women are. First of all, Mormon women span the entire globe and live and thrive on every populated continent. Mormon women are Nigerian, Indian, Czech, Peruvian, Australian, Japanese, Mexican, Croatian, English, Brazilian, Jamaican, American, Kenyan, Argentine, German, Thai, Samoan, and almost a hundred other nationalities.

We are not all the same. I am not even the same as the women with whom I attend church each week. But we are not all completely different either. Here are some of our commonalities:
We believe in Jesus Christ as our Savior.
We believe in the Restoration of the Gospel.
We believe in living prophets and modern revelation.

We also belong to the oldest and largest women's organization in the world, the Relief Society. We are committed to service, uplifting those in need, sharing our talents and time, and growing personally and spiritually. Some women may think that service and relief as a code of a women's organization is backward. But, that's only because our society has devalued charity. We have devalued domesticity. We have devalued cooperation. We have devalued community. We have traded these things for personal ambition, career, personal gain, and extreme individuality. Now, don't get me wrong. I am ambitious and attached to my career, like making my own money, and I am attached to my individualism. But, I love the Relief Society. I love having spiritual discussions with women, working with other women, learning from other women, and worshiping with other women. 

***

So, what are women's roles in the LDS Church? There has been a lot of controversy lately about women who wish to be ordained into the priesthood of the LDS Church. No, we are not bishops, high priests, or elders, but what many who want women to be bishops, high priests, or elders might forget is that the men who serve in the bishopric are released after a duration of time (usually five years) and serve as Sunday school teachers, primary workers, or cub scout leaders. These are the same callings sisters will have after being Relief Society President or Young Women's President. A lay leadership does not accommodate a life of prestige for those who are called to lead for a short time. No bishop is perfect; priesthood does not mean perfection. Men and women are given the same blessings with each of our ordinances: baptism, confirmation, sacrament, endowment, and sealing.

I also think the rites of passage that young men and young women undergo in separated groups is important to the development of youth. Twelve years of age is significant for both boys and girls in the LDS Church. The boys move from Primary to Young Men's; the girls move from Primary to Young Women's. Yes, boys begin to pass the sacrament to the congregation at twelve, but I wonder if our friends who feel this elevates boys above girls realize something: these boys are learning domestic service. They are, essentially, serving food to a large group. They are doing this reverently and quietly.  If young women were silently serving food to a large group of people, this may be seen as oppressive rather than empowering. Young men need to learn that domestic service is important also. Young women live through this lesson as they see their mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers devoting endless hours to feeding their families. Young men should learn the value of service in the same way. I strive to teach my young sons about responsibility in the home, and they see their father preparing and serving food in the home. I hope the passing of the sacrament feels normal and natural for them because they have already learned how to serve.

***

Perhaps this comes down to what we value. If we value only the perception of power and individuality, perhaps women in the LDS Church are limited. But, if we value service, charity, community, home, family, and individual progression, women and men are equal in every opportunity. If we approach every role, every calling with respect, we will more clearly see their value. When my sister-in-law was recently called to serve in the library, I was so excited for her. Some may think it's a "pity calling," but it is a great opportunity for her to meet people in the ward and to get to know people with whom she may never have known otherwise. This is how a community is formed and nourished.

Our focus needs to shift from individual empowerment to community nourishment. Then, as Eliza R. Snow said, we can all "sit down in heaven together."

Reflections from Mothers' Day

The week before Mothers' Day I stayed home from church with a very sick, unhappy baby. He was sleeping fitfully and struggling to keep food down. During church, while James was gone with the other children, Baby couldn't catch his breath. He sputtered, choked, then started to turn purple. I laid him flat on the floor, blew in his face, and gently pumped his chest: CPR light---since he was still conscious. I felt emotionally drained before the three hours of church were through. I didn't let Baby leave my sight.

The first counselor in our bishopric came to our house that afternoon and asked if I would be willing to give a talk on Mothers' Day. The topic? Being a mom. I started to cry. Being a mom on that day was too much to bear. But I assured him I would love to give a talk.

I spent the week in reflection, something I don't do very often. My brain is constantly listing, organizing, prioritizing, wondering, remembering, and analyzing---not reflecting. It was a good experience. I think I might try reflecting more often.

James recommended I post my talk on this blog, and I agree with him. I have, of course, changed my children's names as I always do and reworked the beginning, but here is the basic talk. I'll have to write a new ending since I didn't write an ending and only said what I felt from the Spirit would be an appropriate closing.

The Mother Ring at Muir Woods

I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to reflect on my thoughts about mothering and the women who have influenced me in my life.

Like many young people who grew up in the Church, mothering was crucial in my personal development. My mother primarily cared for her five children. My grandmothers dedicated themselves to their children and grandchildren and were present for special occasions and, sometimes, just for special visits. Primary teachers carefully crafted lessons, and Young Women’s leaders dedicated themselves to my spiritual development. As an adolescent I was given responsibilities to mother my younger brother and children I was hired to babysit. The women who had dedicated themselves to my personal and spiritual education were my models for mothering. I still look up to mothers I know to help guide me now that I am a mother.

In October 2001, Sister Sheri Dew, then second counselor in the General Relief Society Presidency, gave a talk titled, “Are We Not All Mothers?” In Sister Dew’s talk, she broadens the definition of motherhood from women who bear and/or raise children to the caregiving all women give to others to build up the Kingdom of God. We have been raised in the church with the righteous desire to marry and have children, but, as Sister Dew explains, “For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led.” So mothering is a work of loving and leading those children and young people who come into our lives—in whatever capacity.  I admire women in our ward who dedicate so much time and energy to their children and to all of the ward’s children through their callings. I appreciate the mothering done by our Primary and Young Women leaders. I love that the Primary presidency is led by such different mothers: two without children of their own, one raising small children, and another who is a grandmother helping raise her grandchildren. Isn’t it remarkable that these women come each week ready to mother the children of this ward and teach them gospel principles?

Motherhood is the greatest blessing and greatest challenge of my life. Mothers make sacrifices for those they teach; it may be time, talents, energy, patience, attention, or other interests. Women who bear and raise children even make physical sacrifices during pregnancy, breastfeeding, and carrying those thirty-five pound toddlers who try to run away from them.

While I like to embrace my other roles—teacher, sister, editor, friend, scholar, reader— my primary role is a mother of three young children: an energetic eight-year-old with a big imagination, a curly-haired toddler who outweighs most children his age, and a baby with special medical needs. Most of my thoughts are centered around these three little people. They are the experts on my mothering skills, so I asked them what they thought mothers do. Unfortunately, the youngest can’t speak but he’d probably say it has something to do with holding and feeding him. Boo said, “They make dinner”—with the disclaimer that her dad also makes dinner. She said dinner is important because we all gather together and spend time talking. Ji said, “Batman,” which, in our family, is accurate. If his mother weren’t such a Batman fan, he wouldn’t have inherited so many cool Batman toys and movies.

I want to talk a for a minute about how my children see my influence in their lives and what that means as each of us works to build the Kingdom of God as mothers. Baby has the most basic needs: love, warmth, and food. He needs what all of us need from the women in our lives who mother us. Boo expressed a similar need: eating and talking. She thrives on the attention family dinner gives her and loves to give the same attention to us. Ji brought up different needs: play and shared passions.

Looking to these three children in different phases of life, we can draw some conclusions as to what people need from those who mother them. Last night James was talking with me while he was holding Baby. Baby gave a long screech until James looked down at him and started interacting with him. While some of us are more subtle in our requests for interaction, this is a need we all share. We thrive on the reassurance of love and acceptance we can gain from our caretakers. Likewise, each night during our family dinner, Boo opens with the same question, “So what do you want to talk about?” Sometimes the answer is a question, “What did you do at school today?” Other times James might say something silly like “the production of plastics.”  Listening and talking are extremely important to each of us. We all want to feel valued by the people who take care of us. Batman, on the other hand, may not be directly applicable in all of our lives (although I know it’s also important to other families). But, finding a common ground wherein we can play with children, or discuss issues important to them, or just go have fun are fundamental in our mothering role. I know that I don’t necessarily want to be Catwoman while I’m making dinner or changing a diaper, but sometimes Ji comes in and says, “You’re Catwoman. I’m Batman,” and we begin the imaginative chase. He needs to develop relationships through play as much as he needs food and shelter.
  
I hope that every woman, little girl, and young woman understands how important her role as a mother truly is. Again, it is not bearing children, as Sister Dew has told us; motherhood is about serving and caregiving. In this world that we have inherited, Brothers and Sisters, motherhood is not valued as the sacred responsibility it is. Some people might dismiss the woman who leaves a promising career to raise her children. On the other hand, others may demean the woman who works to help provide the best life for her children. James’s grandfather will often hug me and tell me, “I’m so proud of you.” As a retired BYU math professor, he was excited when I joined the family because of my academic aspirations to get a PhD and teach. So I was really confused by what made him so proud of me at this time. James recently discovered his grandfather’s reasoning. He is proud of me for choosing to postpone my doctoral studies so I can dedicate my time to my children. On the one hand, getting that PhD is an accomplishment he admires. But he is more proud of my choice to embrace the divine role of motherhood. In the same talk Sister Dew expressed a similar view, "When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve 'the mother of all living' —and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality,  righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood.  Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us."

Now I want each of you to consider what Sister Dew said: Motherhood “is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us.” Boys and young men need to see this divine stature and nature in their own mothers. Men need to remember that their mothers, wives, daughters, and sisters also possess the divine stature of motherhood—as given by our Father in Heaven. And sisters, young and not-so young, need to better appreciate “the essence of who we are as women” by embracing our mothering natures.
  
Every person who has ever taught a Primary class, a youth group, or family home evening lesson understands that teaching children and youth is the best way to gain an education. As mothers, we continually teach children correct principles, information, ideas, habits, and skills. But we are the ones who learn the more important traits of  patience, persistence, endurance, and Christlike love. Often times, the energy required to learn these traits can push even the most faithful of us to our limits. Anyone who has ever watched a child suffer physically or emotionally knows how difficult it is to endure to the end. Words cannot describe the heartache I felt after my tiny son returned from his first surgery, lines and tubes all over his body, needing to stay perfectly flat, and cringing in pain. It feels so helpless to a mother. But remember that our Heavenly Parents allowed Jesus Christ to suffer so that we might live with them eternally. We are developing these attributes so that we can have eternal life.   
 
But motherhood is about more than what the mother herself gains. We know that we have a responsibility for those who follow us in this world. We want to give the best future to the rising generation. That is the true purpose of motherhood. Sister Dew says, "As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read; how we fill our time and our minds; how we face temptation and uncertainty; where we find true joy; and why modesty and femininity are hallmarks of righteous women? How will our young men learn to value women of God if we don’t show them the virtue of our virtues? . . . We just can’t let the Lord down. And if the day comes when we are the only women on earth who find nobility and divinity in motherhood, so be it. For mother is the word that will define a righteous woman made perfect in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, a woman who has qualified for eternal increase in posterity, wisdom, joy, and influence."

Motherhood is a gift. All women are blessed with this gift whether or not she has children. I hope we can all show gratitude to our Father in Heaven by honoring this gift and embracing this responsibility.

What Are Women's Issues?

I am sort of a Facebook moron. I don't have a Facebook account of my own, but I sometimes look on James's page to try to figure something out: to read comments about a contest we're running, to look at photos of friends, to laugh at my brothers' insults to each other.

But since I don't have a Facebook account, I'm not really sure how to maneuver it and end up scrolling around forever. About two weeks ago, I was scrolling and found several people had shared an article or editorial or commentary about how women will give prayers at the next General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Sisters did give prayers during General Conference this weekend. They were sincere, heartfelt prayers. Like prayers I've heard from men in general sessions and women during the Relief Society or Young Women broadcasts over the past thirty-odd years.

It's cool. But I have to admit: I've never really thought about who was giving the prayers. Mainly because my eyes are closed the whole time and I'm trying to listen to the Spirit and participate in the thanks and blessings.


I remember when I was a little kid thinking the prayers at General Conference were the longest prayers ever given. Part of me wanted to absorb everything and be able to pray with such calm conviction, but most of me wanted the prayer to end so I could open my eyes again. I didn't think about involving myself in the prayer, nor did I consider any of the thanks or blessings were mine. I knew what amen meant, but I didn't understand the gesture of amen.

So I guess I've always taken for granted that members of the Quorums of the Seventy would be giving prayers since they don't always give talks. It never bothered me that men were the ones praying. And it's cool that women are being invited to pray also. I mean, we all have the capacity and right to pray, so I am fully supportive of invitations to pray.

But I'm also a little weirded out by the number of people who shared the article link. And how some people were touting this as a real gender-equality triumph in the Church. I feel like I am an educated, independently minded woman who believes women can accomplish anything. So why does wearing pants to church and women praying in General Conference feel so arbitrary?

Maybe it's because I think there are real issues out there affecting women that go way beyond who prays in General Conference.

On my way to work a couple of weeks ago, I listened to a broadcast of Fresh Air with author Shereen El Feki talking about female genital mutilation in the Arab world--and how this practice is mostly perpetuated by mothers and grandmothers who have religious, social, moral, or political beliefs that drive the practice. She also talked about college students who earn money as sex workers in Casablanca but are completely unaware of the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases or infections. Another problem she described is marriage expectations: men can't afford all of the financial demands during this economically and politically tumultuous time, so couples will enter into short-term "pleasure marriage" contracts that last only a few weeks or months.

The broadcast two days before that featured Emily Rapp, a woman whose baby was diagnosed with a terminally degenerative disease and died in February after two years of struggling to live.

And most all of us have heard of the sixteen-year-old girl who was molested, raped, humiliated, and threatened in Steubenville, Ohio.

These seem like very serious issues affecting women. A woman losing her young child to a terminal disease is much closer to my heart than a woman being called as an LDS bishop. Children who are sexually molested by family members, women who are blamed for enduring abuse, pre-adolescent girls on near-starvation diets, and elderly women who cannot afford to pay for heat in the winter, seem like they are at a much greater risk of degradation and suffering than a middle-class, educated woman who thinks equality means sameness.

Maybe I'm old fashioned. But I don't think so.

I like being a woman, a daughter of God, with unique thoughts, attributes, and challenges. I would rather be recognized for who I am as an individual rather than thrown a line because I'm female. I think real empowerment for women comes from valuing what women create, think, feel, and do. It's not a matter of making women into men or men into women. It's a matter of celebrating who we are individually--even if we have been sociologically molded into specific gender roles.

I'm okay with that. I'll keep working here at the university. And scrubbing bathtubs. And changing diapers. And analyzing literature. And praying with my family.

I'll keep doing what I'm doing and thinking how I think.

And those people who feel that women wearing pants to church one week or getting ordained to priesthood offices is better can keep thinking how they think.

But let's consider real issues that hurt women every day. Let's talk a little more about what we can do for each other as sisters, rather than how we can battle against men.

A Possible Reconsideration

I used to listen to NPR, read news magazines, and keep up with internet headlines. 

I've given up the news. That was five years ago.

The news has been particularly difficult lately. Of course I am thrilled about Egypt's first free democratic presidential elections. And it's good to see Aunt Sheila's concerns about her seventeen-year-old driving home with friends after being up all night at a graduation "lock-in" party. The recent news stories I find most disturbing have been about Mormons.

I don't fault Mitt Romney for running for president. It's his call; no big deal. The problems arise when people say, "Mitt Romney isn't Christian. He's part of a secretive, polygymist cult." "Mormons are racist, sexist, and homophobic." Or my personal favorites go something like this: "I had a Mormon boss once, and he was a tyrant. He was a bishop, too, and he treated us like children. I would never trust a Mormon to run the country." (Maybe I should refer these journalists and internet commentators to our series, The Beatles Teach Logical Fallacies. They might learn something about sweeping generalizations and guilt by association.)

It makes me want to take a long, long nap and wake up after November 6th.

I guess I want to stop composing defensive, over-reactive responses when I'm unable to fall asleep or driving to work. Maybe I just want to shout to the masses, "I'm a Mormon woman, and I'm not oppressed!" I probably think so highly of myself that anyone who tries to tell me I'm brainwashed, clueless, or naive just pisses me off.

So, I'm going to shout a little something here:

Maybe I am using this blog as my personal soapbox.

I am a Mormon woman. I am not oppressed. I have had access to excellent educational opportunities. My family has strongly supported me in my educational goals. My husband is awesome. He actively seeks my feedback on his work. He completely supports my desire to keep working and be an otherwise full-time mother. I have a sense of self, a unique identity, and a relationship with God. I also know countless amazing women in the LDS Church: they are doctors, nurses, attorneys, artists, teachers, yoga instructors, editors, therapists, photographers, office managers, and homemakers. They are tall, short, large, small, funny, serious, lively, mellow, athletic, physically limited, curious, joyful, and complicated. These are individuals. They have opinions, ideas, and energy. Anyone who has seen a group of LDS women arrange a service activity knows exactly what I mean. Even after twenty funerals in under three years, the women in my ward have continued to step up and make and serve luncheons for fifty to a hundred of the deceased's relatives. These are all volunteer hours.

Relief Society is a big part of why being an LDS woman rules. I belong to the largest and oldest women's organization in the world. We learn to serve each other, our families, our communities, and the world. We truly have the power to change the world. That kind of power can't be oppressive.

And guess what?

I got to talk about it on BBC radio today.

You know, World Have Your Say's host and producer, Paul and Richard, were such nice news fellows, I just might reconsider giving up on the news.